Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dwight Schrute for Regional Manager!

It's sad but apparently true that next season will be Steve Carell's last as top dog of Dunder Mifflin.  The current season has just now ended and already the search has begun to pick a replacement from the well-deserving Dunder Mifflin employees in want of a promotion.

I don't know why anyone would even consider anyone else, when we all know Dwight should be the next manager!  I mean, can you imagine? Company retreats at Schrute Farms with Cousin Mose!  And here are the Top 10 Reasons, in his own words of course, why Dwight Schrute should be the new boss of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

He has all the right experience:
"Because although I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves.  I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it turned back into my neighbour's dog."

He's quick on his feet:
"I am fast.  To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose...and a panther."

Determination runs in his family:
"I come from a long line of fighters.  My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew.  World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp.  My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.  Different kind of fight."

He's ambitious for power:
"Once I'm officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert.  So I will need a new number two.  My ideal choice? Jack Bauer.  But he is unavailable.  Fictional  And overqualified."

He's economical:
"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself?  I can deliver food.  I can drive a taxi.  I can, and do, cut my own hair.  I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

He's a survivor:
"In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead."

He thinks before he acts:
"Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."

He's (kind of?) loyal:
"Would I ever leave this company?  Look, I'm all about loyalty.  In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty.  But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more lighly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."

He knows exactly who he is:
"How would I describe myself?  Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer...merciless...insatiable."

And the #1 reason Dwight Schrute should be the new Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin is because he's unbreakable.
"When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins.  When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus.  Do I regret this?  No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger.  I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby."

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